Given all the usual April Fools shenanigans I wasn’t even going to post anything today, but that plan went to the dogs when my home was invaded by the neighbor’s turnips.
No, it’s not a weed infestation spreading into my yard. He’s been experimenting with radiation, gene-splicers, and not a trivial amount of alien DNA. “It’s technically TSNA,” he’s always telling me… something to do with the extra oxygen in the base pairs along with substituting silicon in some of the carbon structures.
So, yeah, these things are a little weird. And big. Big enough to climb the 12-foot concrete garden fence with barbed wire across the top? No, but they had no trouble tunneling under the damn thing and then breaking through the back windows.
I ran upstairs, which as I should have known from countless horror films is never a good move, and the damn things cornered me in my office. I have to say, though, that was surprised me most was not that these mutant turnips had arms, legs, and claws. It’s that they had mouths and teeth – big, nasty, carnivorous teeth.
Did I mention the foaming at the mouth?
Apparently there were some wild dogs in the neighborhood a few weeks back. We were all a little worried about this because wild dogs can, of course, be a real danger out here in the country due to rabies. Well, they went digging in my neighbor’s turnip patch last week, and no one’s seen them since. Well, I’m pretty sure what happened to them, and that they did, in fact, have rabies. Because where else would these 10-foot tall mutant turnips have been infected?
That’s right, the turnips have rabies.
Fortunately, I was pretty much swallowed hole, so I don’t think I’m infected. I’m missing a shoe, though it’s possible it has already dissolved. There’s not much light here in the turnip’s stomach, you see. In fact, it’s just the light from my phone that lets me see at all.
So I figured, what the heck, why not do a blog entry while I’m stuck here? The GPS says we’re headed into town, probably towards the capitol building. From what I can see of the traffic alerts, the army seems to be cordoning off the city, but from the sounds of artillery, these things aren’t going down easy.
Which only confirms my childhood opinion… I hate turnips.
I wonder if they would be more merciful to me, since I don’t hate turnips.
On the other hand, they might treat me worse than you, since I’ve actually EATEN THEIR BRETHREN!
They are rabid, though, so I suppose they wouldn’t really be thinking very well. In fact, you might even say that they are past being able to think, and have become…
…wait for it…